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 In my limited experience, I've sometimes felt a clearer sense of the deluded habitual tendencies that are the driving force behind one's projections and suffering, and a deep conviction that this pattern will simply go on endlessly if left unchecked has grown. After a sense of once again being confronted with my own samsaric delusions during a week-long Green Tara retreat in rural Ontario this past September, I felt that now was the time to research the possibility of a three-year retreat more earnestly. Wanting to continue in the Nyingma tradition and having heard that Chokyi Nyima Rinpoche was conducting a retreat in France, I got in touch with the coordinator there. Listening to some of Rinpoche's teachings online, I felt deeply inspired by his clear explanations and evident compassion and greatly longed to learn from this master. Also, some time back I had been amazed by his father Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche's memoir, Blazing Splendor, which talks a lot about the Chokling Tersar lineage and this increased my interest to do this specific retreat. Bearing in mind the four thoughts, refuge/bodhicitta and the great force of habitual tendency, I believe practicing dharma in long-term retreat to be the ideal way to work with the samsaric state in which I find myself. This retreat in particular would be an amazing opportunity to go deeper into the tradition I feel most connected to, having at this point developed at least a little faith and connection to Guru Rinpoche through the blessings of my Palyul masters.
-Over the New Year's holiday, I spent a week at Gomde Pyrenees while Chokyi Nyima Rinpoche was visiting to open up the then just finishing first three-year retreat. Along with the spiritual impact of meeting Rinpoche and receiving his blessing to take part, it was really helpful to speak with some participants from the first group. The whole experience made me feel much more confident going forward that it is really worthwhile (and actually doable), regardless of whatever difficulties may come up. Drupbon Lama Tenzin gave a talk on the history and nitty gritty of 3-year retreat and said (roughly) that if by the end we're not realized, there's no need to feel bad; we will know how to practice dharma and be on the path and that's enough. I've kept this in my heart since and consider myself the luckiest guy in world to be included within this sacred mandala.
+Over the New Year's holiday I spent a week at Gomde Pyrenees while Chokyi Nyima Rinpoche was visiting to open up the then just finishing first three-year retreat. Along with the spiritual impact of meeting Rinpoche and receiving his blessing to take part, it was really helpful to speak with some participants from the first group. The whole experience made me feel much more confident going forward that it is really worthwhile (and actually doable), regardless of whatever challenges you might face. Drupbon Lama Tenzin gave a talk on the history and nitty gritty of 3-year retreat and said (roughly) that if by the end we're not realized, there's no need to feel bad; we will know how to practice dharma and be on the path and that's enough. I've kept this in my heart since and consider it the greatest possible privilege to be included within this sacred mandala.
 Especially as a beginner, the difficulties of trying to balance dharma practice with everyday life's endless demands, complications and confusion are many, and given the drastic state of the world right now, it seems really important to do what you can to try to work with your own ridiculous thoughts and develop at least some basic sense of sanity and compassion. For post-retreat life, my aspiration is that whatever change I've gone through during these few years will help me to more effectively bring compassionate energy and benefit to the world, if only in whichever very small ways I may be capable of, and that I may be somewhat better prepared for death, whenever it may come. I hope to return to playing and writing music (which has been my passion in life), to find some work and most of all, to try to honor the dharma by practicing what I've been taught to the best of my abilities.